Am I Really a Jerk?
Self-discovery can be very healthy - in a long-term sense. But short-term, it's a little disappointing, if not depressing.
I've recently realized that I can be, well, unobliging at times. When I sense that people are looking for affirmation from me or that someone is trying to set themself up to receive a compliment, I stay silent, refusing to build them up simply because that's exactly what they want me to do. Here's an example:
Other person: "Man, I'm so tired."
Me: "Why?"
Other person: "Well I was up all night talking to my friend because they're really going through a hard time. But it was worth it - they said I was so helpful and I gave them the best advice they'd ever heard. I think they might have killed someone had I not been there to talk to them. I'm sooooo smart."
Me: Force a fake, botox-like smile, nod my head
Me: Walk away
Me: Roll my eyes
Okay, so that's a bit extreme. But I've come across my share of people who, for whatever reason, feel the need to throw the bait out hoping to catch someone that will boost their confidence and self-worth with a few praise-filled comments. There's no profile for these people, either. They're rich and poor, white and black, male and female, Christian and "Other." They might be someone at church or a person at Target. They seem to be everywhere. I'm sure these are great people with jobs, families, friends, hobbies and interests; they're probably very kind, generous, loving people who would most likely help even a jerk like me if I were in need. Yet this might be my all-time greatest pet peeve - this desire to suck compliments out of people like a leach on a swamp creature.
I've narrowed down the reason these people annoy the living bejeezes out of me: HONESTY.
I realize that I have flaws, many of them actually. I realize that not every person in the world likes me and, well, the feeling is mutual. But I really do my best to be honest with who I am in all aspects of my life. I don't try to hide my flaws because, if I do, they're eventually exposed anyway and all that work was for nothing. I get the sense that these people I'm referring to are too afraid to be honest with who they truly are. They're terrified that if someone knew of their shortcomings that they would have no friends and the entire world would vote to banish them to live on Mars because they're not worthy of human contact. Insecurity is nothing more than a lack of honesty with who you truly are. You're honest with yourself, but you're not willing to be honest with other people. So everyone gets a steady diet of your superhero-like stories of how great, wonderful, and awe-inspiring you are.
I'm sounding quite bitter. Sorry.
The problem is I know deep in my heart (which is also where I've got the joy, joy, joy) that it shouldn't be such a strain for me to squeeze out a few affirming words every now and then. Not that I don't, but I try to save my compliments and encouraging words for those who don't seem to be looking for them. I reason with myself that those people will appreciate it more because it's not just another empty thought that makes them still feel empty inside. I reason with myself that those who search desperately for compliments will never be satisfied, so why even try? I also reason with myself that by giving them what they want, I'm only affirming their behavior, and somehow encouraging them to continue living in their insecurity. While some of that, if not all, might be true, it still shouldn't matter.
I posted some thoughts a while back about helping people in need. I think when we see someone in need we ought to help them and let God judge how they use the money we give. Why shouldn't the same concept apply here? Are insecure people NOT people in need? Are those who are never satisfied with themselves not in need of someone who will assure them of their worth and value to God and to their peers? Let God judge my words and attitudes toward others, and let the same God judge what others do with those compliments and affirmations.
Imagine being a person who cannot exist without believing that they're liked by everyone. Imagine the energy and work it would take to fake your way through week after week after week. Imagine the pain you would feel when you're alone and the constant questioning and doubt raging inside your head. Imagine constantly wondering if you look okay, if your hair is out of place, or if your last comment offended anyone within earshot. Imagine the risk involved in throwing out the bait trying to get compliments, and the devastation felt when guys like me leave you guessing. What a lousy way to live. Seeing people this way helps me understand a little better the need that is addressed with a few simple affirming words. The sad thing is that I'm most likely the one who needs to hear this; most of you reading this post have no problem being kind, generous, and uplifting with your words. Thanks for putting up with me.
Bring on the leaches!!!!
I've recently realized that I can be, well, unobliging at times. When I sense that people are looking for affirmation from me or that someone is trying to set themself up to receive a compliment, I stay silent, refusing to build them up simply because that's exactly what they want me to do. Here's an example:
Other person: "Man, I'm so tired."
Me: "Why?"
Other person: "Well I was up all night talking to my friend because they're really going through a hard time. But it was worth it - they said I was so helpful and I gave them the best advice they'd ever heard. I think they might have killed someone had I not been there to talk to them. I'm sooooo smart."
Me: Force a fake, botox-like smile, nod my head
Me: Walk away
Me: Roll my eyes
Okay, so that's a bit extreme. But I've come across my share of people who, for whatever reason, feel the need to throw the bait out hoping to catch someone that will boost their confidence and self-worth with a few praise-filled comments. There's no profile for these people, either. They're rich and poor, white and black, male and female, Christian and "Other." They might be someone at church or a person at Target. They seem to be everywhere. I'm sure these are great people with jobs, families, friends, hobbies and interests; they're probably very kind, generous, loving people who would most likely help even a jerk like me if I were in need. Yet this might be my all-time greatest pet peeve - this desire to suck compliments out of people like a leach on a swamp creature.
I've narrowed down the reason these people annoy the living bejeezes out of me: HONESTY.
I realize that I have flaws, many of them actually. I realize that not every person in the world likes me and, well, the feeling is mutual. But I really do my best to be honest with who I am in all aspects of my life. I don't try to hide my flaws because, if I do, they're eventually exposed anyway and all that work was for nothing. I get the sense that these people I'm referring to are too afraid to be honest with who they truly are. They're terrified that if someone knew of their shortcomings that they would have no friends and the entire world would vote to banish them to live on Mars because they're not worthy of human contact. Insecurity is nothing more than a lack of honesty with who you truly are. You're honest with yourself, but you're not willing to be honest with other people. So everyone gets a steady diet of your superhero-like stories of how great, wonderful, and awe-inspiring you are.
I'm sounding quite bitter. Sorry.
The problem is I know deep in my heart (which is also where I've got the joy, joy, joy) that it shouldn't be such a strain for me to squeeze out a few affirming words every now and then. Not that I don't, but I try to save my compliments and encouraging words for those who don't seem to be looking for them. I reason with myself that those people will appreciate it more because it's not just another empty thought that makes them still feel empty inside. I reason with myself that those who search desperately for compliments will never be satisfied, so why even try? I also reason with myself that by giving them what they want, I'm only affirming their behavior, and somehow encouraging them to continue living in their insecurity. While some of that, if not all, might be true, it still shouldn't matter.
I posted some thoughts a while back about helping people in need. I think when we see someone in need we ought to help them and let God judge how they use the money we give. Why shouldn't the same concept apply here? Are insecure people NOT people in need? Are those who are never satisfied with themselves not in need of someone who will assure them of their worth and value to God and to their peers? Let God judge my words and attitudes toward others, and let the same God judge what others do with those compliments and affirmations.
Imagine being a person who cannot exist without believing that they're liked by everyone. Imagine the energy and work it would take to fake your way through week after week after week. Imagine the pain you would feel when you're alone and the constant questioning and doubt raging inside your head. Imagine constantly wondering if you look okay, if your hair is out of place, or if your last comment offended anyone within earshot. Imagine the risk involved in throwing out the bait trying to get compliments, and the devastation felt when guys like me leave you guessing. What a lousy way to live. Seeing people this way helps me understand a little better the need that is addressed with a few simple affirming words. The sad thing is that I'm most likely the one who needs to hear this; most of you reading this post have no problem being kind, generous, and uplifting with your words. Thanks for putting up with me.
Bring on the leaches!!!!
posted by CoryJones at 10:25 AM
3 Comments:
Hey- Sorry I couldn't comment sooner but I was tucking in my kiddos for thier nap and reading them stories about God as I humbly try to impart to them His wisdom and love. And before that I was cleaning my quaint little house. Being a stay at home mom can be a thankless job at times but I'm more than happy to do it, I even sing to myself when I'm scrubbing the toilets because I'm just so happy to have a toilet to scrub. Same thing goes for when I'm doing dishes, washing laundry and picking up after my husband's CRAP again and again.
For now I've got to go spruce myself up a bit before venturing out to run errands for the family. It takes me a little longer to get ready these days now that my aged and meager appearance needs a little more assistance with make up- and also because I need extra time to squeeze my post baby hips into my jeans. But what can I say, I was thrilled at the opportunity to carry my husband's two children, endure the pain of childbirth, suffer through hormonal ups and downs, withstand sleepless nights and tiresome days bestowing upon them the gift of life as I nursed them every 2-3 hours, and of course change all those dirty diapers along the way.
Sorry to end so abruptly but I need to go help the little old lady cross the street by my house.
If you could somehow type a gagging motion, I'd be doing it right now, Jones.
Sorry, what I meant to say was:
"Wow, it sounds like you're an exceptional wife and a wonderful mother. I'm sorry you go some days without feeling thanked and appreciated for all the work you do. So, thanks, thanks for all the tireless work you do. Jesus must REALLY love you.
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